two shitty movies
Jul. 11th, 2010 09:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nigeltdeMaybe like me you heard about Amanda Seyfried's boobs and wanted to watch Chloe. Maybe, like me, you have a crush on Julianne Moore and Liam Neeson and thought, how bad can it be?
I'm going to discuss the ending behind a cut but even if you hate spoilers I would say, if you have to watch this movie, go into it with NO ILLUSIONS about how it's going to end.
Yes friends, it is 2010, and this shitbird of a movie features JM and LN and their son swanning around their cold, clinical, super-expensive mod house having ~relationship troubles~ and ~not communicating~ so JM hires AS to seduce her husband in case he is a cheater. She's aroused by the reporting back sessions and eventually sleeps with AS before cutting it off. Then it turns out AS is an OBSESSIVE STALKER LESBIAN PSYCHO KILLER who never actually slept with LN -- who is not a cheater -- but made it all up to get into JM's pants and when JM rejects her, she seduces the son, triggering the final confrontation which gets her pushed out of the window to her death.
Oh Liam, says Julianne. I'm sorry for being such a silly paranoid woman. In retrospect I only slept with her because I wanted to be close to you again. I'm so glad our differences have been resolved and we are a happy sunny successful family again.
WHAT. WHAT. HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN ANY MORE. The only surprising thing about this movie, aside from the fact that it was made at all, is that AS wasn't speared on a stake or upthrusting monument when she fell.
These people are so, so beautiful, and so, so vapid. They appear constantly in mirrors and behind glass. What, Egoyan, did you just go back to film school and learn about ham-fisted symbolism? Are you double-bluffing, or do you just not know that symbols need actual signifieds? Because your glass motif is as empty as this incoherent wankfest. Congratulations, you have made me bored and offended at the same time.
And just think: this movie is a remake. People did this shit TWICE.
The House Bunny is about stupid people too, but luckily we aren't expected to think that because they have nice clothes and act tense all the time they are actually smart.
Anna Ferris was such a fantastic comedian in Smiley Time I thought I would give this a shot but it's such a waste of time, just awful film-making, and she really suffers despite a BIG effort. She gets the threefunny mildly amusing lines in the whole thing.
The story is non-existent, just a bunch of scenes. Some vague villain with no motivation gets Ferris, a Playmate, kicked out of the Playboy Mansion. She walks around for a bit until she finds the ugly* girls of sorority blah and makes them hot by taking off their baggy t-shirts and shoving their abundant boobs into small bras. In return they teach her how to be smart** so she can hook up with Tom Hanks's kid, and eventually everyone learns a lesson or something, I don't know, the left hemisphere of my brain actually started consuming the right in self defense, it was like that scene in The Wall where the flower eats the other flower. This movie hates women as much as The Wall does, but it's not awesome like The Wall is.
There is just nothing here. Girls are successful when they look pretty. Be nice to each other. The end. GAG ME WITH A SPOON. GROSS.
*In case you've never seen a movie, ugly = super-attractive women like Kat Dennings and Emma Stone with unstyled hair.
**She never actually gets smart or has ambition or anything, there's just a montage of her looking at books.
I'm going to discuss the ending behind a cut but even if you hate spoilers I would say, if you have to watch this movie, go into it with NO ILLUSIONS about how it's going to end.
Yes friends, it is 2010, and this shitbird of a movie features JM and LN and their son swanning around their cold, clinical, super-expensive mod house having ~relationship troubles~ and ~not communicating~ so JM hires AS to seduce her husband in case he is a cheater. She's aroused by the reporting back sessions and eventually sleeps with AS before cutting it off. Then it turns out AS is an OBSESSIVE STALKER LESBIAN PSYCHO KILLER who never actually slept with LN -- who is not a cheater -- but made it all up to get into JM's pants and when JM rejects her, she seduces the son, triggering the final confrontation which gets her pushed out of the window to her death.
Oh Liam, says Julianne. I'm sorry for being such a silly paranoid woman. In retrospect I only slept with her because I wanted to be close to you again. I'm so glad our differences have been resolved and we are a happy sunny successful family again.
WHAT. WHAT. HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN ANY MORE. The only surprising thing about this movie, aside from the fact that it was made at all, is that AS wasn't speared on a stake or upthrusting monument when she fell.
These people are so, so beautiful, and so, so vapid. They appear constantly in mirrors and behind glass. What, Egoyan, did you just go back to film school and learn about ham-fisted symbolism? Are you double-bluffing, or do you just not know that symbols need actual signifieds? Because your glass motif is as empty as this incoherent wankfest. Congratulations, you have made me bored and offended at the same time.
And just think: this movie is a remake. People did this shit TWICE.
The House Bunny is about stupid people too, but luckily we aren't expected to think that because they have nice clothes and act tense all the time they are actually smart.
Anna Ferris was such a fantastic comedian in Smiley Time I thought I would give this a shot but it's such a waste of time, just awful film-making, and she really suffers despite a BIG effort. She gets the three
The story is non-existent, just a bunch of scenes. Some vague villain with no motivation gets Ferris, a Playmate, kicked out of the Playboy Mansion. She walks around for a bit until she finds the ugly* girls of sorority blah and makes them hot by taking off their baggy t-shirts and shoving their abundant boobs into small bras. In return they teach her how to be smart** so she can hook up with Tom Hanks's kid, and eventually everyone learns a lesson or something, I don't know, the left hemisphere of my brain actually started consuming the right in self defense, it was like that scene in The Wall where the flower eats the other flower. This movie hates women as much as The Wall does, but it's not awesome like The Wall is.
There is just nothing here. Girls are successful when they look pretty. Be nice to each other. The end. GAG ME WITH A SPOON. GROSS.
*In case you've never seen a movie, ugly = super-attractive women like Kat Dennings and Emma Stone with unstyled hair.
**She never actually gets smart or has ambition or anything, there's just a montage of her looking at books.
